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Death Threats Are Fun

This one is golden. The holes in the thread make it less enjoyable then it was, but it definitely is a classic. This lad really set a standard to which all other idiots were held as their letters flowed in. Quite thoroughly, he embodies the intellectual level of most of the people that send me these letters. This is also one of the first ones I started saving, but unfortunately it wasn't until I deleted some of the earlier letters with their responses. As a result, a bit of background should probably be given, and ill have to fill in some holes.

As the situation was, or what I can remember of it anyway, as it was a long time ago, this lad was playing on my server one day. I’m not too sure if he was a regular or not, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t his first game considering the way he reacted. At one point during the game, I did something he decided he didn’t like, so he felt that it would be a good idea to talk back, TK, and act like a general dip. So I switched him into observer mode, as I was feeling nice and generous that day, to try and find out what his problem was exactly.
As expected, he continued being stupid, and on the global chat began asking where I lived, so he could apparently find me and kill me. Specifically, he wanted to “dual” me, presumably with guns or something to that effect. He also claimed that he didn’t have any regard for his life, because he only had 14 days or so to live. After a while of this, I kicked him, and added him to my ban list. Later on, I received an email from the lad basically saying the exact same thing, which as I recall, I ignored. After about 14 days had elapsed, the dead-lad walking sent me another email, claiming that he knew where I lived, and that he was coming to try and kill me, as I had not agreed to a “dual.” I was laughing pretty hard by this point. So I found out what his name was, his ISP, and where he lived, and contemplated a few options of dealing with the situation, as normally I don’t enjoy people sending me death threats, no matter how humorously they wrap them in stupidity.
I considered simply mailing his mommy (from what I could tell he didn’t live with his father), and letting her know what her 13-year-old son (I was pretty convinced of his age at this point by the way he was interacting with others) was doing with the Internet connection she bought with her hard earned cash. I then considered having his ISP cut his connection, so he would have to explain to mommy what he had done to cause it. The third option was to simply nail his ass legally for sending me death threats, which under the newly instantiated (and retarded) Cyber-Terrorism laws could do lots of nasty things to him, no matter his age. Obviously I was too lazy for the last one, but it seemed like a fun idea.
A few days later, I was relaxing on my server, and he attempted to come on again. It of course didn’t work. But he seemed pretty desperate, as he began making up new names to try and communicate with me on the server, basically begging me to let him in and claiming his sorrow of the situation he had caused. I laughed at him, and explained to the rest of the slightly confused people on the server the situation, to which they laughed as well. He then attempted to claim that the name I announced wasn’t really his name, but seemed pretty frantic about it, and thus gained no ground. He then claimed that it wasn’t actually HIM that was on that initial time, but instead his younger sister; yet another humorous fib that he seems to be pretty crappy at producing. Finally, he decided to spam my server with connect/disconnect messages, and then left it at “check your email” (during this episode, he would come on regularly at about the same time every night, presumably after he finished playing with the neato new winky he just grew, and having nothing else to do with his life, decided to spam my server in a similar manner). Upon checking it, I found this extremely funny message in it:

Hahahaha, looks like my hacks work again >) i can play on your server
once more with my hacks. Hahaha Like my true hackers skill =]

As you can expect, I laughed my head off at the fact that he decided not to use his “hacks” to get on the server that night.
Well, after a while he just stopped trying all together. Which made things nice and peaceful. But just when I thought all was well, he started up again with this message:

Hey Jesus its me... Im sorry for the way i acted before * stupid*,Immature,rude... And so on.. . Im not like That anymore >.< and i wanna play on your server again... PLZZZZZZZZ let me in =[ ill be g00d

So much for his “sister” excuse, as well as his “hacks.” Yet again, I was in a good mood. So I actually emailed him back (which I had not actually done for any of his letters yet):

Hrm. Well, tell you what. I'll make a deal with you. And yes, you may find this annoying, and that me even suggesting it makes me an asshole once again, or at least reenforces your opinion, but well, at least I actually answered back your letter, which is saying quite a bit for someone who thought it prudent to send me death threats, as humorous as they were. But it is for a point, one which you may not even discover. Thus:
write me a 500+word essay on what you did, why you did it, and why you will never do it again, using PROPER grammar, spelling, punctuation ect.
Meet my criteria, and you may play under my server under my rules.

Come to think of it… I must have been feeling REAL good that night to not even give him that option, but to be so nice about it. Well, it invoked a response:

Ehhhhhh Tell you the truth .... Im getting a F in langauge arts right now..... I dont like to write and if you wanna know something else *The only time ive ever gotten better than a F in langauge arts was when i was in 2Grade.....i got a C* im only in 8th grade -.- we dont write stuff thats even around 200 words.....

I was physically on the ground laughing my ass off… he was actually a 13 year old kid. And not just any kid, a STUPID kid… After recovering from my hysteria, I wrote him back, in a nice mood yet again, and completely recomposed:

Meet my criteria, and you may play under my server under my rules.
If you do not want to play that badly, thats perfectly fine by me.
I'm doing this for you, not me.

To which he responded:

heh well i do play on your server still Just get tired of going to my neighbors... >). But as i said 500 words Essay? ITs impossible inless you can go over 500 words.

What a “hack”… going to your friends house. As a side note, one of the themes I have noticed as i compile these letters, is how often these people think that they are "getting me" by either claiming to be playing on the server, or actually playing on it. What they don't actually understand, is that I don't really give a shit, as long as they arn't doing what they did to get themselves banned in the first place. Many times, if I find out they ARE still on the server, then I might take the time to ban them again and increase the restrictions on them. But thats only when I'm really bored. Most of the time, as long as they are behaving, I don't really care. I of course wrote him back, in a normal mood this time:

Gee arnt you a sneeky one. What ever will i do now.. You have spoiled my evil plot....(sarcasm) Well, yes, generally writing a 500+ word essay IS impossible without writing at least 500 words.. seeing as how you if you write, for example, 400 words, you have under 500 words...

This generated a more then civilized response then I had expected, and intended:

Give me something else to do besides that......

But since it didn’t actually have anything for me to write back to him on, I didn’t. After a while he got a bit antsy and wrote again, with an extremely pathetic attempt to do the assignment:

Reason why i did what i did.
I was acting dumb, not thinking, trying to be funny.. but i went to far and got myself ban from Delta force server.
I got mad at the server admin.. So Killed her. Bad choice. No matter how mad you get never kill a server admin.
Reasons why i shouldnt have done it.
It gave me banned from the server. Made people laugh at me. Talk behind my back about me. It made me write 500 word essay . -.-....... Nothing really else...
Reasons i wont do it again.
So i dont get banned from the server. So i can play with my friends.
Have fun....... and its impossible to write a 500 word essay with only 3 topics.

It was pretty late at night when I read it, and after attempting to read what he had written, I was pretty glazed over, and naturally focused on the last part of it. So I decided to give him a quick example on how an extremely simply and quite frankly, pretty crappy essay would look:

Believing an essay is "tough" or "impossible" can only place you on a short trip to failure. But writing an essay is really quite simple. Writing a lengthy essay, even one over 500 words, is quite simply done, even without bullshitting your way through it. Given a few simple reminders, your essay writing can improve dramatically, and may even be enjoyable.
An important aspect of writing of any sort is sentence structure. Building an essay without proper sentence structure is as fatal as drinking Draino without neutralizing it first. Avoiding sentence fragments is one such way to an excellent start to an excellent essay. Sentence fragments can provide many negatives to a paper, the least of which is reducing clarity to the reader. When conveying thoughts to another, a writer must be sure that their ideas are transferred to the reader through what is called a "vehicle." This vehicle is the written language he or she is using. In an essay, sentence fragments reduce this clarity by halting the flow of the reading. Normally, it also will not even be able to convey the whole thought to the receiver. The writer may know what he or she is talking about--what the object performing the action is, what the action itself is, what the object, if any, being acted upon is, and any descriptors for those objects or action--but without including it all, the reader cannot possibly know. This certainly does not mean to elaborate to the point of confusion, but instead to find the proper midpoint, a range in which the transfer of information can be done most readily. The other extreme, which should always be avoided, are run-on sentences. These can crop up when one is just trying to get all their thoughts down. For this reason among others, revision and editing is a priority with any paper.
Providing an opinion is never enough. Many times, an opinion should not even be included, although in some cases, such as this one, an opinion is a necessity. However, opinions cannot stand alone. Factual support is always necessary. These include, but are not limited to, established scientific ideas, commonly accepted facts or "common knowledge," statistics, logical conclusions infected from individual pieces of sometimes seemingly unrelated data, and quotations. Quotations is an important selection from this list, and sometimes the most difficult to work with. There are generally two types of quotations that can be used; quotations that are obtained from the source document or documents where the initial topic is centered, or that support ideas for the topic, and outside quotations that can help convey a more specific point of the overall argument. Although the second may seem to be just a secondary description of the first, it can be outside the range of the first and described on its own. As an example of the first, such a quotation as directly supports your argument would be worthwhile to include. What better way to prove your point, then using an except from the document under question, which seemingly states exactly what you are arguing? Some manipulation and explaining of the quote and why it helps your thesis of course is required many times, but either way it’s an excellent source of factual support. Outside quotations, when separated from the former type, are most excellent when merely attempting to convey a certain thought. Popular quotations or allusions to works such as Shakespeare, or the Bible, or any other very well known work or speech are usually the best, for they already have been established as transferring a certain idea effectively to many readers.
A Thesis is a most important part to an essay of any sort. A thesis provides the main topic of which you are planning on attempting to prove to your readers. A thesis must be concise and clear, and limiting in scope enough that the reader knows exactly what the rest of the paper will be on. A well-established thesis will provide the rest of the structure for the paper, as each paragraph will describe an important part of proving that thesis, and have its own "topic sentence" or mini-thesis which the paragraph, just as a mini-essay, will prove. The thesis should be the first part of the actual essay that is created and written down. Once this is done, the rest of the essay will almost always just flow into place.
Essays in-and-of themselves are not the difficulty most of the time. It’s starting them, and overcoming the illusion that they are long, boring, or difficult that is the difficulty. They can, and will not be any of these things if you do not want them to be. And meeting certain criteria is as simple as set objectives that you should try to meet along the way. With only a few minor guidelines, such as the ones laid out in this short, and probably not very well organized psudo-essay, can vastly improve any paper. Even word limits can often be ignored, and completely blown over, as you will find that as you write, more and more information needs to be included. This piece for instance is an easy 916 words long, and has great potential for expansion. And for any essay, one of the most important parts is revision. Always read over the paper to yourself, or even to others. Reading a paper out loud will almost always catch mistakes that you would have normally just skipped over.

The next day, I received an email from the lad, which of course made me laugh some more:

you know im not gonna read all that stuff you just wrote im not a reader or a writer. all just a waste of time. Reading stuff for a job is immportant over a game phhht i can change my IP at anytime just to lazy to do so

Maybe now we know why he’s so stupid. And I find it funny that he can “change [his] IP at anytime” and is “just to lazy to do so” but yet… he isn’t too lazy to wander all the way over to his neighbor’s house to bug him to let him play. That and the fact that he either has a dynamic IP (which wouldn’t help him, seeing as how it was a wide area subnet ban, and thus unless he switches ISP, he’s still out of luck), or he would mask his IP before logging on (which I’m pretty sure he has no clue how to do, or that its possible. Hell… probably doesn’t even know what it means…). Either way, I laughed a lot.
Well, just when I thought it was all said and done, and he had given up, he sent me another email:

|+|+| >_< |+|+|Ghett0|+|+| >_< |+|+|

Once again i out smarted you. I found a link to your Server and there no possible way you can ban me. Mwhhahaahahahaha Boom baby boom. * ah it feels good to be the victor *

Again once again, he managed to put laughter into my life. But, I’m glad he found a link on the internet that somehow managed to open up tribes for him, connect him to my server, and some how STOP my personal banning function, which scans every person logging in, from detecting him, and STILL be able to connect properly to the game. He sure is some “hacker.” I’m still trying to figure out what the hell the thin was he put at the top of the letter. Every once in a while now, he emails me something random and I either just delete it because its worthless, or laugh for a bit and save it. The latest one was:

i love u 2

I found it interesting, given the fact that the name that I specified as his, (and was moronically displayed on his email when he was trying to deny it) was also the name placed on this NEW email address he messaged to me…
Ahhh stupidity…

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